Taco Bell goes Ve-GERM-tarian

Of course we had all heard the rumors of how Taco Bell was a secret test lab for new GERM warfare techniques, but no one had any proof of it and any dick worth his spit knows ya gotta have proof. We needed samples of the GERM to analyze so we could find a weakness. I decided to do the job of the undoable and infiltrate the sicko's lab.

I obtained this INFRARED image during my surveillance of the Sicko's lab. The place is lit up like the damn Fourth Of July. Radiation from the production of the GERM is what I'm thinking.

After careful study of my surveillance tapes and photographs I decided to approach the facility in the broad of day in front of GOD and men and women and the animals and everybody. I cautiously rolled my vehicle toward the front gates where I was confronted with this wondrous talking machine.

The box spoke to me and would not give me permission to carry forth until I answered a series of questions to it's liking. Just plain sick.

I moved forward closer to the lab. I was stopped by a man at a window who wanted money for parking or something and while I was handing him the payment he nervously looked behind him to make sure he was not watched and passed me a package. I accepted the strange gift and thanked the man for validating my parking to which he gave me the oddest of all looks. I pulled forth to a secluded space to examine the contents of the pack. To my astonishment it contained two of the brand spanking new GERM items from the "International Let's Kill Everybody With GERMS" society's monthly catalog(Here is a link). They were wrapped in paper containing a cryptic message.

"Think outside the bun, soft taco". It seemed to be warning me to watch my ass. They were onto me already. I hadn't even made it into the facility. I examined the GERM delivery system. A vegetarian potato taco.

Just imagine a weapon like this ripping through your guts. It's a sick image to keep you up at night, that's for sure.

The package also contained a few other items.

1. A packet containing Fire to ignite the weapon.

2. A piece of paper containing instructions for contacting the lab to disclose to them the extent to which my bowels were destroyed by the GERM agent, in exchange for state of the art electronic surveillance equipment. An intriguing proposal.

I decided I would take what I had gotten and cut my losses. Maybe another day I'll return and infiltrate the facility. For now I have my samples to analyze. I'll bide my time and search for an antidote to the GERM. My research will continue. Stay tuned to this frequency for updates on the fight against the GERM. Thank you for your diligence.

Signing Out.

International Can Of Mystery!!!

I back after short hattus with now even more review!

International Can Of Mystery!!!

 

I'd been on the trail of the elusive International Can Of Mystery going on five months now and felt no closer to the prize, whatever that may be. After all no one knew what the Can Of Mystery contained or where it could be found. But I was on the case and neither hell nor high water would keep me from that sweet nectar(assuming that was what was in the can). I'd been Morose in Morocco,  Tantalized in Tanzania, and Turkeyed in Turkey. You don't even want to know what that last one means. Although I could smell success right around the corner everything I had endured so far was for naught.

 

Saddled with my sidekick Chi Chi, I set sail for the dry deserts of the Amazon Rainforest. Or was it the wet jungles of the Sahara?  Bluhhh, no use muddling with the details. The hunt was on. After hiking for two days through the arid(moist?) terrain we came across a giant tree(cactus?).

 Looking closely at the giant tree(cactus?) I could see the marks of the can! It had stopped here to sharpen its lid on the hard bark of the tree(cactus). The freshness of the markings caused my heart to beat wildly in my chest. "The prey is near! Soon we feast!" I remarked to Chi Chi. We marched on two more days and on the morning of the third I spotted the Can at the bottom of a small ravine ahead of us. My god his lid was off!

Peering from my vantage point over head I could ascertain the contents.

Spaghettios! Magnificent! They would be mine no matter what the cost. "Chi Chi" I whispered."Loop around the other side of the ravine whilst I trod down this side and we'll massacre the mutha." Chi Chi nodded his understanding and disappeared into the brush. I slowly crept down the ravine-side. Once I had made it close enough to the Can, I awaited Chi Chi. Once my travel mate was in sight I leapt for the prize! Surprisingly the beast went down without a fight. After all this time I think it wanted to be consumed. Maybe it was the loneliness. The loneliness of being a can of Spaghettios I guess. He was made to be consumed after all and I reckon somewhere in his little heart he knew it. All the beans(noodles?) in the world couldn't change that. Chi Chi and I settled down and went to work enjoying our bounty. Maybe even just a little teary eyed.

 

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Incredible Edible Veggie Loaf

Call me white trash, but I like TV Dinners. I'm a man of convenience. What I ask you could be simpler than popping a little aluminum tray into a 350 degree oven for an hour and pulling out a fully cooked meal. Ok, maybe the microwave ones are easier, but they also taste like crap. I grew up on the real shit. Swanson Salisbury steak and Banquet Chicken TV Dinners. Ok for you sophistos who don't know what a TV Dinner is you can check out their Wikipedia page located here -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tv_dinner, and just so you know I think you're pathetic. Not to mention unamerican. But I digest, having become a vegetarian several years back I had to give up my slovenly TV Dinner ways. Until recently that is. Enter Amy's Veggie Loaf Dinner.

I picked one up at Target for $3.14. I wasn't sure what to expect(the actual veggie loaf on the front of the package looks suspect), but I was pretty hungry. To my chagrin this particular "TV Dinner" was sans the aluminum foil of old, instead choosing to clothe itself in more modest chipboard drapings. Personally I like the old aluminum dinners. They always seemed somehow futuristic to me. Like what eating dinner on the moon might be like. Or eating dinner prepared by a robot. Anyway I opened the box and took a look at the frozen dinner inside.

It looked somewhat promising, consisting of a melange of corn and peas, mashed potatoes(no butter), and the veggie loaf itself in some sort of a tomato sauce. I followed the directions to a T, baking at 400 degrees for 50 minutes.

The veggie loaf was incredibly moist and the tomato gravy was quite good. The mashed potatoes tasted almost exactly like the ones I remember from the Banquet Chicken dinners even without the butter. The peas and corn tasted like peas and corn. Also unlike a lot of Amy's dinner and lunch meals I was actually somewhat full when I was finished. The whole nostalgia of the dinner brought a tear to this lonesome cowboys eye. Amy's will you marry me?

THE END

Double Downed

The cry went out-- "For science! we must eat this thing!" And so it began. A quiet, unassuming box graced with a cheery face to distract us from the stench of grease that hung heavy in the air:

And within this box? What treasures could lie within?

A wax packet, stamped with the symbol of our foe, and a warning (which was, as you shall see, quite superfluous).

With our prize revealed, there was a resounding "welp" heard across the land, as shoulders were shrugged far and wide in honor of tepid bacon draped with entirely unmelted processed cheese. Caution: Hot? Caution: Slightly Above Room Temperature, perhaps. A closer look inside the beast:

At a sight such as this our feeble wills could no longer restrain themselves, and the feasting did begin in earnest:

At last! The Colonel's sauce made an appearance, oozing between the sheets of cheese. And the chicken (I am assured it is worthy of the name by law), which had been spoke of far and wide as "damp" failed to disappoint in this regard.

Between the general lack of crispness in the breading and the squelching of the flesh with every bite, it was truly a sight to dazzle and delight the senses.

Finally, our foe was vanquished, and we were left with the lingering burn that clings to one's lips and mouth as only a tablespoon of salt can, and the parting thought: "I've eaten worse, I suppose."

Sproutofu Veggie Burgers

I was perusing the refrigerated aisle at the Community Mercantile one dark and stormy day, when I spotted a pack of Wild Wood Organics Sproutofu Veggie Burgers. It was a new item so I went in for a closer look. What I found surprised me a little. "Quite Costly!" I exclaimed to myself. But being a man of great curiosity I had to try this strange new discovery. I must admit, at $3.99 for two patties my expectations were fairly high. Very mysterious, thought I. "This must be a champion among Veggie Burgers indeed". I made off with my prize and retreated to my secret lair for analysis.

I hastily removed my relic from its bag and began to decipher the instructions marked on it's rear. "Perishable. Keep Refrigerated. Dairy Free, Gluten Free. Heat and Enjoy.". My hopes faltered. Heat and Enjoy. But how to heat? By oven? By microwave machine? Steam? My mind was a whirl with the possibilities! But no, calm down. Rationalize. My eyes wander to the cabinet. Of course! The answer right in front of me! Staring me down. Begging acknowledgement. Pan Frying of course!
   
My excitement ballooned as my experiment drew to a close. Oil had been applied to the hot pan with the mysterious patty following. I had allowed the proper time for the product to heat correctly. Pan to bun transmission was a success! Topped with tomato, mustard, pickles and lettuce I greedily savored the results.

Eureka!!!!! Unlike any Veggie Burger I had tasted previous, this tender morsel melted in my mouth like the song of a thousand summers! My heart raced! My mind fluttered! And the angels cried out with one voice "Triuuuuuumph!!!!!!".