The Incredible Edible Veggie Loaf

Call me white trash, but I like TV Dinners. I'm a man of convenience. What I ask you could be simpler than popping a little aluminum tray into a 350 degree oven for an hour and pulling out a fully cooked meal. Ok, maybe the microwave ones are easier, but they also taste like crap. I grew up on the real shit. Swanson Salisbury steak and Banquet Chicken TV Dinners. Ok for you sophistos who don't know what a TV Dinner is you can check out their Wikipedia page located here -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tv_dinner, and just so you know I think you're pathetic. Not to mention unamerican. But I digest, having become a vegetarian several years back I had to give up my slovenly TV Dinner ways. Until recently that is. Enter Amy's Veggie Loaf Dinner.

I picked one up at Target for $3.14. I wasn't sure what to expect(the actual veggie loaf on the front of the package looks suspect), but I was pretty hungry. To my chagrin this particular "TV Dinner" was sans the aluminum foil of old, instead choosing to clothe itself in more modest chipboard drapings. Personally I like the old aluminum dinners. They always seemed somehow futuristic to me. Like what eating dinner on the moon might be like. Or eating dinner prepared by a robot. Anyway I opened the box and took a look at the frozen dinner inside.

It looked somewhat promising, consisting of a melange of corn and peas, mashed potatoes(no butter), and the veggie loaf itself in some sort of a tomato sauce. I followed the directions to a T, baking at 400 degrees for 50 minutes.

The veggie loaf was incredibly moist and the tomato gravy was quite good. The mashed potatoes tasted almost exactly like the ones I remember from the Banquet Chicken dinners even without the butter. The peas and corn tasted like peas and corn. Also unlike a lot of Amy's dinner and lunch meals I was actually somewhat full when I was finished. The whole nostalgia of the dinner brought a tear to this lonesome cowboys eye. Amy's will you marry me?

THE END

Double Downed

The cry went out-- "For science! we must eat this thing!" And so it began. A quiet, unassuming box graced with a cheery face to distract us from the stench of grease that hung heavy in the air:

And within this box? What treasures could lie within?

A wax packet, stamped with the symbol of our foe, and a warning (which was, as you shall see, quite superfluous).

With our prize revealed, there was a resounding "welp" heard across the land, as shoulders were shrugged far and wide in honor of tepid bacon draped with entirely unmelted processed cheese. Caution: Hot? Caution: Slightly Above Room Temperature, perhaps. A closer look inside the beast:

At a sight such as this our feeble wills could no longer restrain themselves, and the feasting did begin in earnest:

At last! The Colonel's sauce made an appearance, oozing between the sheets of cheese. And the chicken (I am assured it is worthy of the name by law), which had been spoke of far and wide as "damp" failed to disappoint in this regard.

Between the general lack of crispness in the breading and the squelching of the flesh with every bite, it was truly a sight to dazzle and delight the senses.

Finally, our foe was vanquished, and we were left with the lingering burn that clings to one's lips and mouth as only a tablespoon of salt can, and the parting thought: "I've eaten worse, I suppose."

Sproutofu Veggie Burgers

I was perusing the refrigerated aisle at the Community Mercantile one dark and stormy day, when I spotted a pack of Wild Wood Organics Sproutofu Veggie Burgers. It was a new item so I went in for a closer look. What I found surprised me a little. "Quite Costly!" I exclaimed to myself. But being a man of great curiosity I had to try this strange new discovery. I must admit, at $3.99 for two patties my expectations were fairly high. Very mysterious, thought I. "This must be a champion among Veggie Burgers indeed". I made off with my prize and retreated to my secret lair for analysis.

I hastily removed my relic from its bag and began to decipher the instructions marked on it's rear. "Perishable. Keep Refrigerated. Dairy Free, Gluten Free. Heat and Enjoy.". My hopes faltered. Heat and Enjoy. But how to heat? By oven? By microwave machine? Steam? My mind was a whirl with the possibilities! But no, calm down. Rationalize. My eyes wander to the cabinet. Of course! The answer right in front of me! Staring me down. Begging acknowledgement. Pan Frying of course!
   
My excitement ballooned as my experiment drew to a close. Oil had been applied to the hot pan with the mysterious patty following. I had allowed the proper time for the product to heat correctly. Pan to bun transmission was a success! Topped with tomato, mustard, pickles and lettuce I greedily savored the results.

Eureka!!!!! Unlike any Veggie Burger I had tasted previous, this tender morsel melted in my mouth like the song of a thousand summers! My heart raced! My mind fluttered! And the angels cried out with one voice "Triuuuuuumph!!!!!!".